My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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