did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize