A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
