No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
