11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
