Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
