Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
