god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
