We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
