This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
