she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
that's an acceptable place to lick
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
