So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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