It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
