She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
