I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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