one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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