Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
