I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
