so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
