Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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