i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
