wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
