why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
