Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
