this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
