i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
