How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
