My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
