And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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