Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
