When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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