id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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