She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
