I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
