note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
