I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
