how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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