I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
