True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
