If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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