i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
