Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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