Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
