I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
