Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
