look no pants
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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