I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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