i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
