I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
