I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
