I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
