Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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