Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
