my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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