I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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