Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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