She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize